VIBE KILLER SHIT SHOW

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    EPISODE 8:

    “The Biggest Snake in the Grass”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Jasmine: “You are a vibe killer, you’re exhausting, you give Karen energy and I’m fuckin done with it.”

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Danny. For yelling out “Kelly Clarkson” during his lymphatic massage.

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Janet. Everyone hates her, Jasmine abandoned their 8 year friendship for Kristen and Zack. She cried in her kid’s ball-pit.

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Jason! Rumors, friendship with jax, having his wife’s back, calling out jasmine and storming off on the beach! I didn’t know he had it in him! Bravo, sir.

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Jesse. He did nothing this episode, and we are all healthier for it.

    THOUGHTS:

    A “shit show” indeed! Tons of “MOST UNHINGED” contenders this week, starting with Scheana discussing the hemorrhoids she got after anal sex with Brock’s short-but-thicc wiener!? What a thing to say out loud, on television! I know feelings on Scheana joining The Valley are mixed, but in our game at least, she often delivers despite her mere “friend” status on the show. Scheana scored a solid 21 points, which (for this episode at least) is more than Luke, Michelle, Kristen, Jax and Jesse COMBINED. I’m not at all advocating that anyone should have traded Jesse, Michelle or Kristen over these last 8 weeks, but teams with Jax or Luke could have done a weekly trade for some quick points, then swapped back to their main cast member.

    I know teams with Jax have been struggling, but also? You knew he was a double-edged sword when you drafted him! He’s a point machine, but you just never know which way those points are gonna swing. This week was actually his worst week, coming in dead last with a dismal -13. Impressively, he was in the red across all 3 categories: -3 in STYLE for fake crying to Jason, -14 in SCANDAL for theft/abusive behavior, and -16 in POWER for shade/home foreclosure. Jax was actually up for MOST UNHINGED due to that wild manic spree at the end of the episode where he: hid the ladder, spied on Brittany, expressed paranoia, bugged their house, stole her wedding rings, faked high blood pressure, revealed their home is in foreclosure, and -no- he will not be paying for any of it. Unfortunately for Jax, it’s all just too abusive and took him out of the running. He did, of course, gain some points for his usual gaslighting and lying.

    It might seem anticlimactic after all of that… but this week’s MOST UNHINGED goes to Danny for yelling “KELLY CLARKSON!” during his lymphatic massage because what the fuck was that about?! Even Nia was like… “wait, what?!” I need answers. Anyway, congrats to our Santa Clarita king!

    The focus of our episode, however, was the epic blowout between Jason, Janet and Jasmine (double points, argument with yelling!). Janet and Jasmine who were recently aligned in Santa Barbara against Nia and “Darkside Danny“, now super hate each other?? The same Jasmine who accepted an apology from Danny, only to later rescind it and demand a further conversation… is now mad at Janet and Jason who want the exact same thing from her? We love a good hypocrisy!

    Unlike Danny who graciously listened until Jasmine felt heard, Jasmine screamed and berated both Janet and Jason, delivering shade and the BEST LINE of the week, “You are a vibe killer, you’re exhausting, you give Karen energy and I’m fuckin’ done with it.” I don’t love Janet, but I’m on her side here… Jasmine’s aggressive energy in that beach fight was concerning to say the least, making for Janet and Jason’s dramatic beach exit (points!). After her tirade, she earned SCANDAL points for gaslighting the group with this GEM about Janet: “I’m just so annoyed… like… I knew her way back before half of you guys. So, I cherish that… but now I’m like, you won’t even let me talk to you.” lol what?! Girl. She tried that and you ripped her throat out, on-camera! Points, points, points!

    So why did Jasmine turn on Janet, and therefore Jason?? Friends of 8 years, who had her back more than anyone over the problematic behavior she faced from Danny?? It’s simple, friends: Jason and Jasmine are collateral damage in what I’m calling “The Battle for Brittany“. At the end of the day, this is all about who gets to be Brittany’s best girl/best gay BFF duo: Kristen & Zack -or- Janet & Jared. Kristen and Zack said that much at their friend date lunch with Nia and Brittany (points). Lastly, Zack had a great episode, scoring 3rd in overall points.

    NOTES:

    A NOTE ON AARON / MELISSA / JARED / ETC: I’m not going to score these guys anymore because no one is going to trade for them if they haven’t already. If anyone does want to trade, I will start scoring them. I will continue to score the former VPR cast members – Lala, Scheana, Schwartz.