THE MOTHERFUCKING HONEY

    underBlog

    EPISODE 3:

    “The Billionaire and the Boy’s Chat”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Danny: “I am not the mole… but, in this instance, I did do some mole-like activity.”

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Jesse: for pretty much all of his behavior throughout the entire episode, including (but not limited to): the honey allegations, the hooker rumors he started about his wife, and the pride he has for his “Rookie of the Year” award in that very stupid boy’s chat.

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Michelle. Jesse is a nightmare.

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Jesse. Rumors, accusations, alliances and shade… this man does not rest.

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Luke. Trying so hard, only to end up doing the least.

    THOUGHTS:

    At the end of this episode, Michelle said something that struck me: “Jesse is by FAR worse than Jax. BY FAR.” A challenging statement for anyone familiar with Jax’s antics, as he is truly on the Mount Rushmore of reality tv villains. But I’ll say this: If The Valley were Dungeons & Dragons, Jesse Lally would be Lawful Evil. Unlike Jax’s Chaotic Evil, that is driven by his own impulses and lack of respect for rules, social norms or the well-being of others, Jesse adheres to a strict code of conduct through his twisted views on justice, hierarchy and desire for dominance. Friends… we’re talking about The Joker vs. Darth Vader. So… which is worse?! Jax as The Joker is an adaptable psychopath, wreaking havoc with his hot temper. He is impulsive and insatiable with the ability to pull pawns into his orbit, like Jason, Danny and Schwartz. Jesse as Darth Vader desires control, specifically at the expense of others. He is organized and methodical with the ability to maintain power and influence others, like Kristen, Luke and Jasmine. I think they’re both the absolute worst, but Michelle has a point… people in their friend group are giving Jesse a pass.

    For me, the most red flag pass came from Jasmine, who had no trouble calling out gross male behavior with Daddy Danny (points!), but could not seem to have another woman’s back in this clear emotionally abusive scenario. Even Kristen, who holds a temporary alliance with Jesse admitted, “I just became part of Team Jesse. Like, do I have to turn my card in already?” But being that Kristen is Chaotic Neutral (unpredictable and rebellious, but not necessarily evil), also said, “Michelle I’m sorry that Jesse called you an escort, but if the rumors are true, you can afford a really nice hotel in Santa Barbara.” Kristen dominated the POWER category this week by wearing her own merch and throwing shade, even at the expense of her boyfriend, Santa Claus Vincent Van Gogh Luke. Luke feels Lawful Neutral, in that he’s not inherently good or evil, but always loyal to the rules of Kristen. Teams with Luke should be concerned! Even though he actually did something this week by spreading the rumor (points!), he sits at a whopping -17 in the POWER category, leaving him with a -1 to finish the episode. To put this in perspective… that’s worse than his ZERO points from last week. YIKES!! If you’re on a team with Luke and wanna ride it out… more power to you. He is for sure gonna nab those engagement/preggo points at some point. The question is… is it worth it? Both Melissa and Aaron racked up more points than him… EVEN SCHEANA beat him for briefly showing up in that honey-tasting scene. Anyway… consider this your reminder that you can always trade him out for any of the FREE AGENTS listed on the last tab of your TEAM PROFILE PAGE.

    What else? We love the gamer girl in Janet, even if she did plan her birthday party at the fucking Northridge Dave & Buster’s (points!). I’d place Janet as Chaotic Good (rebel who values personal liberty, acts on conscious) and Jason as Lawful Good (duty, honor, follows rules). An example of these alignments in action would be Janet’s BEST LINE contender, “I feel bad for Michelle; I’ve never seen anybody cry inside a Dave & Buster’s, ever… but, I have a coin pusher game waiting for me” and Jason’s entire convo with Jesse over coffee when he defended and saw the good in everyone and everything that Jesse tried to shit on. Jesse was also up for BEST LINE with, “Are you gonna throw some love to my Uber that’s going to cost $195 to get over there?” Facts. But also? Why does Jesse need to take an Uber to Northridge? Didn’t he just purchase a very expensive new car that we saw in the 1st episode? And wasn’t he drinking water the entire time at Dave & Buster’s? I’m not going to make any allegations, but this investigation is open and pending.

    Lastly… Daddy Danny, who is likely Neutral Good (helpful and balanced, won’t often take a stance) given his friendship with Jax and association with the infamous Boy’s Chat. Danny is the actual winner of BEST LINE: “I am not the mole, but in this instance, I did do some mole-like activity.” Point loss for the nonconsensual ass grabbing, but he did earn points back for his apology. Nia (another Lawful Good) really popped off this week, tying 3rd place with Kristen for total points earned, even nabbing some SCANDAL category points with bringing Danny in for receipts. Brittany took a back seat this episode, but still managed to absolutely destroy Michelle’s night. Michelle was our STYLE category winner due to two sets of tears. As far as the “evidence” against her that Jesse has gathered? Here’s the thing: I hike Fryman all the time, never wear my wedding rings but always wear my 50 SPF CC foundation. So. I think the allegations are bullshit. But, we’ll see! Zack was MIA, but no doubt he’ll make a point comeback in Santa Barbara next week!

    NOTES:

    A NOTE ON JAX: Jax does not get “wears own merch” points off the top since it was a continuation of the scene we saw last episode.

    A NOTE ON SANTA BARBARA: No one gets points for hosting or being invited to the trip until next episode when it actually happens.

    A NOTE ON PETS: I will likely dock points if people ignore cute doggos. I will dock more points if they hate cats, so just FYI.