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EPISODE 15:

“There’s No Zen in Resentment”

AWARDS:

+5 BEST LINE:

Zack: “She’s gonna cut off your fucking skin and she’s gonna wear it!”

+5 MOST UNHINGED:

Jax. Unhinged the entire episode.

+5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

Danny. Jax has it out for him.

+5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

Kristen was in almost every argument, talked about infertility, got engaged, came out on top of the drama even when she definitely caused it, and blamed it all on Janet.

+5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

Jasmine. Snoozefest.

THOUGHTS:

Well, well, well friends… it’s finally over.

Huge congrats to our WINNERS of THE VALLEY, s2:

#1 LEAGUE IN THE GROUP:
- The New and Improved Jax Taylor (again)
  - 84-52 vs $1500 / Night
    - Brittany & Michelle vs. Jesse & Jasmine

MODERN FARMHOUSE:
- James Mae I Have Another
  - 67-67 Slay We Must vs. James Mae I Have Another
  - TIEBREAKER: Team that won the most Categories in Final: James Mae I Have Another won both STYLE & SCANDAL
    - Kristen & Danny vs. Brittany & Janet

BRAVO BABES:
- Pink-Booted Friend
  - 75-59 vs. GOAT Cheese Balls… (I won??? yikes sorry, Shiv! lol)
    - Zack & Nia vs. Brittany & Jasmine

Good God, what a ride.

Let’s start with the star of “his show”, Jax Taylor, who came into this finale ready to fulfill his original mission: destroy Danny and Nia, the most popular couple on the show. A jealous Jax and Brittany first targeted the Bookos due to their “fan favorite” status going into season 2. Also wishing for the spotlight were ~~fans~~ friends, Janet and Jason, more than willing to carry out a shared takedown. Armed with Jasmine’s “Darkside Danny” experience, which got him ejected from Jax’s bar, all they had to do was fan the flames… right?

Unfortunately for our antagonists, their genius plan blew up immediately. In the literal 1st episode, Jax’s unchecked rage and physical abuse sealed all future hope for shifting negative attention off the Cauchi-Cartwrights. And by episode 6, Janet’s wild manipulation created a fatal wound for the Capernas by shitting on Nia in the face of an immensely personal and sympathetic story of childhood homelessness. Her vulnerability may not have won over Janet (or Jasmine) that day, but it was in this exact moment that Nia changed the narrative — no one had anticipated that wildcard Kristen Doute would enter the fray as Nia and Danny’s fiercest supporter.

With Jax in rehab and Kristen leading the charge, we quickly saw Luke, Jesse and Zack fall in line behind Team Danny/Nia. Getting Jasmine to at least somewhat calm down her ~~only storyline~~ SA allegations against Danny, was fairly easy for Kristen as Jasmine will do anything to stay on this show. Both Janet and Jax gave it their all in the end by staying true to their misguided mission and delusion that either of them could win anyone back to their respective sides. Good thing Janet and Jason got commemorative tattoos to forever remember this experience by.

So who “won”? The answer is no one! This show was dark and sad and often really hard to watch (and worse to watch twice)! But if anyone could be considered winners, I’d give it to Danny and Nia for moving to Santa Clarita, thriving with 4 under 4, and for surviving this absolute “vibe-killing shit-show”.

SOME STATISTICS:

FINALS:

Brittany, Danny, Kristen, Michelle, Nia & Zack were all on Winning Teams
Brittany appeared in all 3 Final Matchups
Shockingly, Jasmine appeared in 2 Final Matchups
Jax, Luke and Jason did not appear in any Final Matchups

SEMI-FINALS:

Brittany, Jasmine, Kristen, Michelle & Zack appeared in all 3 Semifinal Matchups
Janet, Jason, Jesse & Nia appeared in 2 Semifinal Matchups
Danny appeared in 1 Semifinal Matchup
Jax and Luke did not appear in any Semifinal Matchups

REGULAR SEASON:

All teams with Jax & Luke got knocked out after regular season
Janet, Kristen & Brittany were the top point earners, with and without Awards
Jax, Jesse & Janet lost the most points, respectively (i.e. from shade, etc)
POWER category:
- winners: Brittany, Zack, Kristen
- losers: Jax, Jesse, Luke
STYLE category:
- winners: Kristen, Michelle, Nia
- losers: Jax, Luke, Jasmine/Jason
SCANDAL category:
- winners: Janet, Jesse, Danny
- losers: Luke, Zack, Jasmine
AWARDS category:
- WINNER of MOST AWARDS: Jesse x11
- WINNER of most “BEST LINE”: Janet x4
- WINNER of most “MOST UNHINGED”: Jesse & Jax x5
- WINNER of most “TOOK MOST SHIT”: Danny & Janet x4
- WINNER of most “MVP”: Zack x5
- WINNER of most “LVP”: Jasmine x4

LEAGUES:

Scroll for your League!

#1 LEAGUE IN THE GROUP:

WINNER: The New and Improved Jax Taylor (Again)
- Brittany & Michelle
  - Regular Season:
    - 3rd overall, 7-6
    - 1st in correct Bets: 12 right, 60 extra points
    - Did not win any overall categories
  - Post Season:
    - 1st in Finals!
    - 1st in Total Points
    - Tied for 2nd in correct Bets: 1 right, 5 extra points
    - Won ALL 3 overall categories: POWER, STYLE, SCANDAL

RUNNER UP: $1500 A Night
- Jesse & Jasmine
  - Regular Season:
    - 1st overall, 9-4
    - 1st in SCANDAL
    - 1st in AWARDS
  - Post Season:
    - Placed 2nd in Finals!
    - Placed 1st in correct Bets: 5 right, 15 extra points
    - Did not win any overall categories

3rd: We are the Devil
- Kristen & Nia
  - Regular Season:
    - 4th overall, 6-7
    - 1st in STYLE
  - Post Season:
    - 3rd overall in (Semifinals)
    - Did not win any overall categories
    - Lucky to be in the semifinals with an surprise 15th episode

4th: I’M AN EMPATH!!
- Janet & Zack
  - Regular Season:
    - 2nd overall, 8-5
    - 1st in POWER
    - 1st in overall points
  - Post Season:
    - 4th overall (Semifinals)
    - 1st in AWARDS

5th: The Dancing Shee Shoos
- Danny & Luke
  - Regular Season:
    - 5th overall, 6-7
    - 2nd in AWARDS
    - Last in SCANDAL

6th: The Kentucky Muffins
- Jax & Jason
  - Regular Season:
    - Last overall, 3-10
    - 2nd in correct Bets: 10 right, 50 extra points
    - Last in POWER
    - Last in STYLE

MODERN FARMHOUSE

WINNER: James Mae I Have Another
- Kristen & Danny
  - Regular Season:
    - 2nd overall, 9-4
    - 1st in STYLE
    - 1st in correct Bets: 11 right, 55 extra points
  - Post Season:
    - 1st in Finals!
    - 1st in STYLE
    - 1st in SCANDAL

RUNNER UP: Slay We Must
- Brittany & Janet
  - Regular Season:
    - 1st overall, 11-2
    - 1st in POWER
    - 1st in SCANDAL
    - 1st in Overall Points
  - Post Season:
    - 2nd in Finals!
    - 1st in POWER
    - 1st in AWARDS
    - 1st in Total Points

3rd: Jax’s Left Nostril
- Jason & Jasmine
  - Regular Season:
    - 3rd overall, 7-6
    - Last in AWARDS
    - Middle of pack across all overall categories but came in 3rd due to lucky matchups
  - Post Season:
    - 3rd in (semifinals)
    - Last in STYLE with -3 lol
    - Last in overall points with 9

4th: Brit’s Beer Cheese
- Michelle & Zack
  - Regular Season:
    - 4th overall, 6-7
    - 2nd in POWER
    - 3rd in overall points
  - Post Season:
    - 4th overall (semifinals)
    - Last in POWER with 0

5th: Voyage to Ventura
- Jesse & Nia
  - Regular Season:
    - 5th overall, 5-8
    - 1st in AWARDS
    - 2nd in STYLE
    - 2nd in SCANDAL

6th: Vintage Jax Behavior
- Jax & Luke
  - Regular Season:
    - Last overall, 1-12
    - Truly the most impressive record across all 3 leagues
    - Only win knocked Voyage to Ventura out of the Semifinals lol
    - Last in all 3 categories, with a -36 in POWER hahaha

BRAVO BABES

WINNER: Pink-Booted Friend
- Zack & Nia
  - Regular Season:
    - 4th overall, 6-7
    - 1st in correct Bets: 10 right, 50 extra points
    - 3rd in POWER
    - 3rd in STYLE
    - 3rd in Overall Points
  - Post Season:
    - 1st in Finals!
    - 1st in STYLE
    - 1st in SCANDAL
    - 2nd in Overall Points

RUNNER UP: G.O.A.T. Cheese Balls
- Brittany & Jasmine
  - Regular Season:
    - 2nd overall, 8-5
    - 2nd in POWER
    - 2nd in correct Bets: 9 right, 45 extra points
    - 2nd in Overall Points
  - Post Season:
    - 2nd in Finals!
    - 1st in POWER
    - 1st in AWARDS
    - 1st in Overall Points

3rd: Pump It Up Rejects
- Jesse & Michelle
  - Regular Season:
    - 3rd overall, 8-5
    - 1st in SCANDAL
    - 1st in AWARDS
  - Post Season:
    - 3rd overall (semifinals)
    - Last in POWER
    - Last in SCANDAL

3rd: Everyday I’m Hustlin’
- Kristen & Jason
  - Regular Season:
    - 1st overall, 9-4
    - 1st in POWER
    - 1st in STYLE
    - 2nd in SCANDAL
    - 1st in Overall Points
  - Post Season:
    - 4th overall (semifinals)
    - Last in STYLE with -2 points
    - Last in SCANDAL
    - Last in Overall Points

5th: Grody to the MAX
- Janet & Luke
  - Regular Season:
    - 5th overall, 5-8
    - 3rd in SCANDAL
    - 4th in POWER
    - Last in correct Bets: 1 right, 5 extra points

6th: EMPATHS
- Jax & Danny
  - Regular Season:
    - Last overall, 3-10
    - 1st in AWARDS
    - Tied for 1st in correct Bets: 10 right, 50 extra points

OVERALL POINT WINNERS (WITH AWARDS / WITHOUT AWARDS)

452 / 404 Janet
- negative points: -151
426 / 406 Kristen
- negative points: -70
408 / 378 Brittany
- negative points: -75
386 / 346 Zack
- negative points: -64
345 / 330 Michelle
- negative points: -50
336 / 306 Jasmine
- negative points: -40
334 / 324 Jason
- negative points: -55
333 / 298 Danny
- negative points: -106
332 / 277 Jesse
- negative points: -182
331 / 313 Nia
- negative points: -46
203 / 173 Luke
- negative points: -80
151 / 106 Jax
- negative points: -297
  - Valley Wannabes:
    - 85 / 80 Scheana (-4)
    - 32 / 32 Lala (-0)
    - 17 / 17 Schwartz (-0)

OVERALL AWARD WINNERS

55 Jesse
- Best Line x1, Most Unhinged x5, Took Shit x1, MVP x1, LVP x3
  - Most Unhinged – beige baggy underwear
48 Janet
- Best Line x4, Most Unhinged x2, Took Shit x4
  - Best Line –“I’m sorry I roped you in with Zack’s demonic behavior”
45 Jax
- Best Line x1, Most Unhinged x5, Took Shit x2, LVP x2
- Was docked -5 Special Award for being an abusive dick
  - Most Unhinged – Frank_Dremon
40 Zack
- Best Line x3, MVP x5, LVP x1
  - MVP – for calling out Jax in Jesse’s kitchen
  - Most Unhinged: Scrotox
35 Danny
- Best Line x1, Most Unhinged x2, Took Shit x4
  - Took Most Shit – the entire fucking season
30 Brittany
- Best Line x1, Took Shit x1, MVP x3, LVP x1
  - Best Line – “I cannot let Cruz be anything like you. And you should feel the same way.”
30 Jasmine
- Best Line x1, MVP x1, LVP x4
  - LVP – without Danny, she has zero storyline.
30 Luke
- Best Line x2, Most Unhinged x1, MVP x1, LVP x2
  - Best Line – “Never been to Monet… but it is gorgeous.”
20 Kristen
- Best Line 1, MVP x3
  - Best Line – “You’re a fucking fan, bitch!”
18 Nia
- Best Line x1, Took Shit x1, MVP x2
  - MVP – for holding her own despite her marriage under attack
15 Michelle
- Took Shit x2, LVP x2
  - Took Most Shit – for everything she endured in Santa Barbara
10 Jason
- Most Unhinged x1, MVP x1
  - Most Unhinged – has never said “fuck” in front of Janet before

WINNERS BY CATEGORY

POWER:
- 146 Brittany
- 127 Zack
- 119 Kristen
  - Losers:
    - -60 Jax
    - -5 Jesse
    - 20 Luke
STYLE:
- 165 Kristen
- 150 Michelle
- 143 Nia
  - Losers:
    - 62 Jax
    - 118 Luke
    - 124 Jasmine & Jason
SCANDAL:
- 176 Janet
- 144 Jesse
- 131 Danny
  - Losers:
    - 35 Luke
    - 89 Zack
    - 95 Jasmine

NOTES:

A Note on Brittany’s New Doormat: To settle a convo that I overheard at our Finale Party – Brittany’s new doormat “The Cartwright’s” is grammatically incorrect. It should just be: “The Cartwrights”. An apostrophe denotes possession not plurality. Anyway, that’s all! 🙂

Yay I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

SAGING A SERIES

AWARDS:

THOUGHTS:

NOTES: