RAGE TEXTING FROM REHAB

    underBlog

    EPISODE 4:

    “The Circle of Strife”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Janet: “Honestly, if I was married to you, I would be cheating on you, too.”

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Jesse and HIS UNDERWEAR. Hard to beat Jax rage texting from rehab, but here we are.

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Jesse. Does anyone like him outside of Jax, Kristen and Luke?

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Luke. For not being an official co-host of that trip, he sure did do the most!

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Jasmine. So far, she has no real storyline.

    THOUGHTS:

    First and foremost… we love a self-own, and Jesse’s underwear accomplished exactly that. I won’t retraumatize all of you by discussing details of the horrible fit and color, but their appearance (not once but twice.. ugh!) makes Jesse the clear winner of this week’s MOST UNHINGED. A likely accidental nod to American Psycho, the reference was received all the same. He also snagged our TOOK MOST SHIT AWARD, as it doesn’t seem like anyone really likes him outside of Jax, Kristen and Luke.

    Speaking of Luke! BIG NEWS for those of you who drafted him: Luke put up some respectable points this episode, despite being the most annoying person in Santa Barbara. Although his vibes screamed cringe camp counselor, he succeeded in taking over trip hosting duties (points!) from Jesse and Kristen (who likely offloaded everything they didn’t want to do onto him… which was literally everything). This man organized the race track, manned the grill, cooked dinner for everyone, corralled the gang for a healing ceremony and even gave an explainer on the “gratitude ball”… all while fucking his girlfriend on demand! This man was BUSY and earned himself this week’s MVP! Never has Luke felt more seen by the very people who were actually trying to ignore him as much as humanly possible. Also, if Jesse’s underwear wasn’t so unhinged, trust Luke would have been a contender for the whole “our baby is God’s plan” talk. Like… what? God’s plan?? Do you know your girlfriend is a proud, pagan witch? In fact, she planned actual witchcraft to appear in this episode! A whopping +15 points went to every person who participated in that healing mandala. Although Kristen was not shown contributing, and therefore did not earn those sweet points, she did get +5 for the fertility crystal.

    Other standouts from the trip included points for the “apology” scene between Zack and Janet, even though the words “I’m sorry” did not occur. Janet is also the winner of BEST LINE with that iconic comeback: “Honestly, if I was married to you, I would be cheating on you, too.” Bravo! For all the Janet hate out there, she is truly a shade machine (points on points!). If she didn’t win for that one, she would have won with: “Only Jax would rage text from rehab.” And boy did he ever! For a man that did not even really appear on this episode, Jax handily won this week’s SCANDAL CATEGORY and honestly scored more than I expected. Poor Brittany lost SCANDAL points for being the recipient, but actually gained back her deficit by showing his texts on screen (receipts! points!) and her little spat with Jesse (and Janet). Santa Clarita Danny won the POWER CATEGORY this episode thanks to that career promo of Fast and Furious knock off, Superfast!, as well as booking a voice gig. Good for you, Danny! I would have given his better half, Nia, the LVP AWARD for scoring the least points on that trip… but at least she has a story line(ish). Jasmine scored more points than Nia but has zero storyline so far outside of being fashionable and throwing a very tiny amount of shade. So, Jasmine wins.

    Lastly, the weekly “bets” are PAYING OFF and has made the difference in a matchup result TWICE now in different leagues. Thank you to everyone for turning them in on time!

    NOTES:

    A NOTE ON COSTUME / THEME PARTIES: Theme party fashion will now be ranked and earns points based on how many people are participating. Example: Racecar theme. All 12 participants are ranked best to worst. The best receives 12 points in STYLE (Michelle), the worst receives 1 point in STYLE (Zack).

    A NOTE ON RAGE TEXTING: Rage texting points are only allocated once per scene per person who received. Example: Brittany received various rage texts from Jax in the car, at the track and in two confessionals — he earns points for each of those 4 scenes, but not for every individual instance of rage texting in those scenes.

    A NOTE ON SEX TALK: Ovulation chat is not sex chat. To be clear.

    A NOTE ON GENERAL/GROUP SHADE: Group shade is scored as double (+/- 4 points) if the shade is generalized toward the group, or the group generally shades you. Example: Kristen shaded the entire group of friends by saying “not even Jesus Christ himself” could heal their problems — Kristen earns +4, and everyone she’s referring to loses -2.

    STYLE CATEGORY POINT AND SCORING ADJUSTMENT: Crying was too overpowered and has been lowered to +3. Crying will only get applied once for the duration of the scene unless there is a new reason for crying.