LET THE CHAOS BEGIN !

    underBlog

    EPISODE 1:

    “Separation Anxiety”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Janet: “I’m sorry that I roped you in with Zack’s demonic behavior.”

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Danny for that truly insane, unhinged laugh he burst into after saying: “We’re too blessed to be stressed”.

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Jax. And he deserved it.

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Brittany. Hosting parties and keeping up her friendships in the midst of calling out dire abuse allegations #FreeBrittany

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Luke. He basically tied Jared and Melissa for points. Who are Jared and Melissa, you ask? …exactly.

    THOUGHTS:

    Wow, guys. This was quite the premiere. I’m not sure what else I could ask for. I very much enjoyed watching Jax be held accountable in literally every scene he was in. Like a true narcissist-cokehead, however, he’s still trying to shift blame to somehow make abuse okay. In our game we typically reward bad behavior but when it’s this bad, the points will punish, too. It doesn’t help that he was shaded by every cast member, except for Nia, who can’t throw shade to save her life. Saying that, Nia actually did better than I expected! As the STYLE category leader, she was social, fashionable, and even nabbed some accidental shade for calling her husband short. Danny is our winner of MOST UNHINGED this ep for that wild laugh he threw after saying they’re “too blessed to be stressed.” I almost gave this award to both Danny and Nia for even considering “4 under 4”, regardless of their future mansion in Santa Clarita. Like, I have 3 cats and that feels insane, you know?

    Winner of BEST LINE goes to Janet’s “I’m sorry I roped you in with Zack’s demonic behavior.” A+ stuff. A sharply wielded apology, quickly crafted to send Kristen into a full-blown, personality-disordered rage. Janet was -by far- the top point earner this episode, handily winning the POWER category. Kristen trailing in 2nd place really racked up the apologies this episode, even getting a BEST LINE honorable mention with, “I hope everyone feels stupid because I feel so validated.” Her new friendship with American psycho Jesse is a bit chilling! He both told Kristen that she was “pretty much right about everything” (something she has always wanted to hear someone to say), while also at the same time admitting in his confessional that he does not, in fact, yet know if Aaron broke up their marriage. Because Michelle revealed at the end of the episode that Jesse promised he would, “do anything to ruin her life”, I have no doubt Jesse is simply activating Kristen as a weapon in his arsenal. This deadly duo dominated the SCANDAL category, with Jesse leading between the two.

    Speaking of deadly duos… Jax and Schwartz! Specifically that scene where Jax explained how it feels to find out your wife slept with one of your good friends? Oof. Vanderpump fans understand. Schwartz sure loves himself a narcissist bestie! I also gave him random points for that Libra-coded, non-committal reach out to comfort Jax — did you guys see that? Very exciting to watch an astrological archetype come to life before our very eyes. POINTS! What else… Brittany, Jasmine, Jason, Zack and… who am I forgetting? Oh right, Luke. It’s a good thing we know Luke is proposing to Kristen later this season or I’d be worried for the teams who drafted him! Remember, everything can change next episode!!

    Read the scorecard on the homepage for detailed character point breakdowns.

    Check your team page to see how your team did in their match up.

    Let the chaos begin!

    NOTES:

    RULE CHANGE: BOTH CHARACTERS ARE ACTIVE, THERE IS NO LONGER A BENCHED PLAYER. EFFECTIVE EP.1 SCORING!

    After testing episode 1, we decided that both characters will earn full points each week!

    FOR ADDITIONAL WEEKLY POINTS: you can choose to make a “guess” on which point category (Power, Style, Scandal) each of your characters will do best in. You can earn up to 10 extra points!

    i.e. you have Zack and Kristen. You guess Power for Zack and Scandal for Kristen. If you get both right, you win 10 points. If you get only one right, you win 5 points. If you’re wrong about both, you get 0 points.

    POINTS: there’s appx. 30 different things the cast can get points for, broken into 3 categories:

    POWER, STYLE, SCANDAL

    POWER: shade, career, events, marriage, breakups, etc.

    STYLE: sex, drinking, fashion, crying, therapy, etc.

    SCANDAL: arguments, rage texts, legal action, lies, apologies, etc.

    A NOTE ON SCORING: The Valley is doing some creative editing by blending future scenes into the intro’s and outro’s. Please note I am not scoring those. The Jax vs. Brittany fight, for example, does not happen until episode 2 and will be scored at that time.