I WANNA BE MEAN

    underBlog

    EPISODE 5:

    “Grapes of Wrath”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Luke: “Never been to Monet… but it’s gorgeous.”

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Jesse. In fact, not a moment of hinged.

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Michelle. See above; Jesse Most Unhinged.

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Zack. For being our messy Greek Chorus, keeping things interesting outside of Michelle and Jesse. Talking shit. Stirring the pot with Nia, taking revenge on Brittany. Putting in the work.

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Jax. Honestly? He should do the least more often.

    THOUGHTS:

    JFC this episode… chock full of unhinged. Luke’s hall pass being The Little Mermaid? Zack with a bedside table full of Coca-Cola, Adderall, lip balm, Pop Tarts and ONION DIP? THAT HE SPILLED IN THE BED AND COVERED WITH A TOWEL SO HE COULD SLEEP ON IT (nasty – point loss!). Starting off the ep, I was sure that would win. But boy was I wrong. Nothing could hold a candle to the 24/7 MOST UNHINGED madness of Jesse Lally. Good God. Not only did he reap massive points for the sheer amount of alcohol he consumed on camera, but he also got the “fucking hammered” bonus! He was, of course, our SCANDAL CATEGORY leader for reigniting the hooker rumors against Michelle, casually admitting to lying about it, and getting into not one -but two- screaming matches with her. The only person to drink more on camera than Jesse was Danny, who also got the “fucking hammered” drinking bonus.

    This was not a high scoring episode for most cast members, as Michelle and Jesse took up a ton of time. So, hats off to Zack for stirring up the drama in a far more effective and interesting way than Jasmine. Although she tried her best to have a storyline, the only thing she came up with was -as Kristen said- “boring”. Jasmine scored her most points in SCANDAL for reigniting the Darkside Danny allegations, despite accepting his apology and void of any actual interaction with him this episode. If you’re so uncomfy with his drinking, why are you mad he’s passed out drunk? It didn’t make sense, and for once I was fully siding with Kristen about their little post-dinner spat (points!). I’m equally confused about her feelings re: Jesse / Michelle… she thinks Michelle went too low, calling her “toxic”, blaming her for “holding onto anger” and embarrassing him in front of their friends. Are you a girl who stands up to abuse… or just when it happens to you? It’s one thing if the abuse isn’t clear as fucking day, but Jesse’s wildly punishing and narcissistic behavior is on full display every single episode of this series. She confuses me, but at least she has cute style (points!). Thank God for Zack. I look forward to Brittany’s reaction to his tit-for-tat betrayal and stirring the pot with Nia.

    And while I do understand Brittany’s gripe with Nia and Danny, it’s a far cry from her relationship with Jax Taylor. Do Nia and Danny hide their relationship? 100%. But, it’s coming from a very different place. In fact, I think hiding shit actually makes them more compelling being that they’re so very Christian-coded about it. It’s hard to hide things from reality television and the cracks are starting to show — points for that little spat on the sprinter van!

    I don’t think there’s much else to really say, except I have laughed about 30 times thinking about Jason’s only contribution to this episode after Luke admitted his hall pass was Ariel: “LUKE! Pre- or post- legs!?” Dead. I also loved Janet’s response to Kristen toasting to kindness: “I wanna be meannnn, actually!”

    NOTES:

    A NOTE ON DRINKING: Sometimes, they are not shown drinking but do have a drink in hand. I will always score the first time I see a new drink in their hand (but it must be obvious). If it is not clear it is a new drink I will not score it as such.

    A NOTE ON TOURNAMENT LENGTH: Teams with Jax, rejoice! It turns out there are 14 episodes of The Valley, not 12 as originally listed. You still have a shot of winning your matchups and advancing to the semifinals. Semifinals will pit the top 4 teams against each other, and the Finals will be against the top 2.

    A NOTE ON WEEKLY BETS: If you forget to make an updated weekly bet, your bet from last week will carry over.