ALLEGEDLY

    underBlog

    EPISODE 2:

    “Checking In”

    AWARDS:

    +5 BEST LINE:

    • Jax: “You know you’ve hit rock bottom when Kristen Doute shows up at your house before noon to talk about your fucking issues.”
      • Honorable mention goes to Scheana for “The guy from Baywatch”, but because no one currently has her on their roster, I’m giving it to Jax.

    +5 MOST UNHINGED:

    • Jax for being an unhinged liar face who had the audacity to seriously ask, “What about me? Nobody checks in on me!”

    +5 TOOK MOST SHIT:

    • Brittany. Dealing with Jax looks like a living nightmare.

    +5 MVP, FOR DOING THE MOST:

    • Brittany. For dealing with an abusive POS while also being a good friend to everyone else.

    +5 LVP, FOR DOING THE LEAST:

    • Jasmine. Although Nia and Luke were contenders, neither put up any points at all. The award is for doing the least, and Jasmine at least got 2 points for the casserole.

    THOUGHTS:

    In an otherwise very low-scoring episode, teams with Brittany can rejoice! Ya girl won the week and secured the matchups for every team who drafted her (before your weekly “bets” were tabulated, that is). Notably, Brittany was not the first draft pick for literally any of our leagues, but she is killing it for the second week in a row. If you didn’t draft Brittany, don’t despair! Those of you who played Fantasy Reality’s season of Vanderpump Rules, know just how fast things can change.

    The headline for this episode, however, is that Jax Taylor is allegedly an abusive piece of shit. In a text book display of narcissistic gaslighting, Jax showed us exactly who he really is. Although his scenes were hard to watch, I can only hope that this model of abusive behavior will serve as a wake-up call to women watching in similar situations — which is why Brittany nabbed BOTH this week’s MVP and Took Most Shit Awards. Jax clearly stated during his two mini-interventions, that he has no interest in therapy AND he’s super sick of talking about it with his friends. In my opinion, checking into a mental health facility is a mere stunt to avoid potential legal action from Brittany. The evidence? 1. Through fake tears (point loss!), he admitted he has to check into a mental health facility because he “threw things” (it’s more than that, bro); 2. the addiction counselor phone call sounded like AI; 3. moments after learning about a steep financial ask ($30k/30-day stay) he immediately left to check-in (points!); and 4. he packed the smallest bag I’ve ever seen for a stay of that length! Will he stay the whole 30-days, or will he check-out early and lose all the points he gained by checking-in? One thing is certain: the STYLE points he’s getting from constantly wearing his own merch is the only thing keeping him competitive in our game. Lastly re: Jax, I cannot in good conscience let this man win the episode after being this obviously and outwardly abusive. Although he did nab two Awards (Best Line and Most Unhinged), he’s playing out of bounds in our game, and got docked -20 points to rebalance the integrity of our purpose and point system. Sorry, not sorry, to all teams with Jax… you knew he was a double-edged sword when you drafted him! But don’t worry… he’s a point machine. You have 10 more episodes to look forward to.

    Although Jax sucked all the oxygen out of this episode, a few other things did happen! For instance, I very much enjoyed watching that scene unfold between Michelle and Jesse, where he started out being a total prick, only to get fully wrecked by that GOLDEN RECIEPT (points!): the one and only Scheana Shay. Confirming that Jesse’s new girlfriend cheated on him (point loss!) with “the guy from Baywatch”, it was a truly hilarious and welcomed moment in an episode as dark as this. Scheana’s entry into The Valley was just as seamless as the one from RHOBH to VPR. Hot on the heels of main cast member, Luke (who put up a big goose egg this ep), will anyone trade him for her? It’s a gamble for sure. We know from upcoming scenes that Luke not only proposes to Kristen (points!), but gets into a big enough fight with her (points!) that he is left wandering an unknown terrace in his underwear (more points!). We also know from Lala that Scheana “really gets in there” and “stirs up the drama” (points on points!). She’s also besties with fan favorite Janet, which sounds like double trouble to me. Will Luke pop off in later episodes, or will Scheana be a better pick? OR MAYBE teams with a currently low-performing Nia or Jasmine want to do a trade as well?? If so… let me know!

    Rounding things out is Zack, who lost points for an announced breakup, only to quickly regain them when his ex/married partner, Benji, agrees to move in with him. Despite Zack’s lies and fake tears (point loss) to Brittany, there is clearly allegedly more to this breakup story than Canadian deportation. Let me remind you that this sassy little cutie-patootie, Benji, is also available for potential trade. Despite Kristen’s mini-intervention with Jax (points!), there’s not much to write about her, Janet, Jason, or Danny. However, it should be mentioned that Danny did get points for his blatant lie to Jax: “We know you’re a great man. We know you’re a great human.” Yikes!

    Anyway… that’s it!

    NOTES:

    A NOTE ON SHADE: Two teams have contacted me about potential shade that I missed from the previous episode. No doubt, shade is a slippery point category – easily confused with being straight up mean, shitty or opinionated. You’ll notice in this episode that I don’t give points for every mean / crappy thing said between cast members in their fights. I only gave points if I found it to be inherently funny or specifically crafted as such. i.e. Jax accusing Brittany of cheating, is not shade (he’s just lying). Jesse accusing Michelle of “trying to actively hurting me”, is not shade (he’s just lying). Zack claiming Janet is “just as manipulative as Jax” IS shade against both Janet and Jax (it’s a funny exaggeration).

    A NOTE ON GASLIGHTING / LYING: Gaslight-lying is only scored one time per topic for a scene, and one time if it’s continued in their combined confessionals… it’s the combined effort or bulldozing in conversation that makes gaslight-lying so effective. The gaslighting and lying needs to be obvious. i.e. Jax gets the points for gaslight-lying in both scenes with Kristen and Brittany, AND points for his combined confessionals. But he does not get points for each confessional he does this in.

    A NOTE ON FASHION: I always score new confessional looks and themed party looks! I don’t always score regular, every day looks unless they really stand out to me.